Max & Robyn's Adoption Journey

Quote: There are two different strengths: There's the strength to raise a child and make a parenting plan, and then there's the strength to give that parenting plan to someone else. (Adoption Stories)

Our Adoption Story

We wanted to be parents. For several reasons, we did not have a biological child. We began researching adoption in September 2003, when we believed we would be living in NH for the foreseeable future. We had decided to pursue international adoption from Russia. As Robyn's health did not improve, and the NH job market was not plentiful, we chose to move to California in August 2004. At about that time, we knew that the travel requirements for Russia were not compatible with Robyn's health, so we looked into a country that could escort babies, and found Ethiopia. Then Max asked, "If we're going to adopt a black baby, can't we do that here?". So we looked into private domestic adoption. We chose an agency (who operated more like a facilitator, we later learned), completed our home study, and matched with an expectant mom in October 2005.
Our baby boy was born on Tuesday, January 17, 2006. We were in Missouri for his birth. Custody was transferred to us the following Friday (he was 3 days old). We were required to stay in MO until the ICPC paperwork was complete, which took about 8 days. We returned in the summer to finalize with the court. The birthparents had already terminated their rights. We were required to prove to the state of Missouri that we are good, loving, safe parents for Jack. Jack's adoption was finalized on August 25, 2006.

Our adoption prompted Robyn to begin a new business, Meant to Be: Adoption Profiles, Lifebooks, & More , which she hopes will help more families find their children.

For a more in depth look at our adoption, please go to Robyn's Live Journal or Max's Live Journal.
Note: Robyn's journal is available to all. Please remember that a journal is "a personal record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a regular basis", and therefore contains volatile, emotional writing. Max's journal is available only to his LiveJournal friends.

This page provides links to our specific adoption information, resources, and FAQ. If you're looking for pictures, go to Jack's Page.
Our Adoption Documents
Resource Pages
 Frequently Asked and Answered Questions
 Why are you adopting (instead of having a baby)?
Robyn has always known that she wanted to build a family through adoption. When she was 13, news programs revealed the massive neglect in the Romanian orphanages. Those images, plus hundreds of stories about the difficulty that some children have in finding forever families, made Robyn determined to adopt. While at first perplexed, Max came to understand Robyn's way of thinking. He added a desire to adopt here in America, because we are open to adopting an African American (AA) or Caucasian/African American (CC/AA) baby. (Unfortunately, there are more AA and CC/AA babies available for adoption than there are families to adopt them.)
Max and Robyn have always wanted to grow our family by adoption. In addition, Robyn has a disability known as CRPS. She cannot be pregnant and continue the medications she needs.

Where are you adopting from?
We adopted through the Adoption Network Law Center (ANLC). The adoption was domestic (here in the US), as opposed to international. Our baby was born in Missouri. We were required to spend an extra 8 days in Missouri to satisfy the Interstate Compact (the thing that allowed us take the baby from Missouri to California).

How much does adoption cost?
Costs for adoption vary due to many factors. Indeed, there are apparently 12 different methods to use when adopting. Going through the state's foster care system tends to be low-cost, while choosing independent adoption through an agency or attorney tends to cost much more. In private adoption, the base fees are generally standard, but then different states allow different amounts for birth parent expenses. In some states, prospective parents are not allowed to reimburse the birth parents for anything. In others, the prospective parents can pay for medical expenses and expenses related to the pregnancy. Some states go further and allow the prospective parents to pay rent for a certain number of months, provide maternity clothes, etc.
Our adoption has cost us over $20,000.

What if the birth mother comes back?
We have chosen open adoption. That is, an expectant mother has chosen us from among a number of other couples. (That's what the Dear Birthmother Letter and Profile Scrapbook are for.) We were in Missouri to meet Jack's birthmom and her family, and attended his birth.We have been, and will continue to be, in contact with Jack's birthmom, exchanging phone calls and photos. We have come to see her family as an extension of our own, and she and her family also feel that we are their extended family.

Can the birth mother choose to keep the baby?
Before, or just after, the birth, the birth mother may change her mind about placing her child for adoption. Yes, her child. Until she places the baby for adoption, she is the baby's mother, and it is ultimately up to her to decide what is best for her and her baby. Most of the time, the birth mother continues with the adoption plan. Some times, however, she decides to parent the baby.
In a successful open adoption, it is up to the birth mother to choose the level of openness that makes her comfortable. For example, she may want to exchange letters and pictures, and/or phone calls. She or the rest of the birth family may want to visit at certain times. Birth parents may want to exchange phone calls. We believe that these levels of openness are appropriate, and can be good for the child.

The following information is summarized from The Complete Adoption Handbook. Before adopting, be sure to read the laws of the state in which you are going to adopt.
In California, consent from the birth mother "can be given any time after the baby is born and the mother is discharged from the hospital. In an agency adoption, the relinquishment is binding." (p. 429)
Other states have different policies regarding parental consent. In some states, consent is differentiated from relinquishment. Some states also differentiate an agency adoption from a private adoption. In these states, usually consent obtained in agency adoptions either cannot be revoked, or can be withdrawn in a fewer number of days. In 18 states, consent cannot be withdrawn, but must be obtained after the baby's birth. In 7 states, consent can only be withdrawn in less than one month. In eight states, consent must be obtained in a hearing (with or without the birth parents present). In New Hampshire and Pennsylvania, consent can be withdrawn up until the adoption is final. Approximately 7 states do not have clear rules about when consent can be obtained or how (and if) it can be revoked.

What kind of relationship will you have with the birth mother?
We are happy to say that we have a family-like relationship with S and her family. She is a positive, spirited, courageous young woman, and we have many traits in common. We look forward to developing a lasting relationship.

What is the birthmother's story?
There are some questions that are too personal to answer, whether on a web page or just in conversation. Jack's birth mom is a positive, loving person. As you see in the photos, she does have an older son, so Jack has a big brother. Jack's birth mom wants to give each of her sons the best possible life.

When will you tell the child he or she is adopted? How will you do that?
It is apparent Jack is adopted (he is African American and Caucasian). We have a photograph of his birthmom and older brother that we look at and tell him who they are. We're trying to make sure that his adoption is always a positive part of his life. There are many books for small children, and even infants, regarding adoption and how families are created.  No matter what, our child will always know that his first mom and his parents all love him very much.

What are some books about adoption that you recommend?
See my list at Amazon.com.

How long will it take?
This is what I originally wrote: ANLC advertises that most matches are obtained within 9 months after completing the necessary paperwork.
This is what really happened:
  1. We signed with ANLC in May 2005.
  2. We completed the ANLC paperwork and went live on their web site in August.
  3. We received a call about an expectant mother who wanted to talk with us in September; however, our home study wasn't yet finished.
  4. We received another call in late September, about an expectant mother due at the end of October. We arranged to have our home study expedited. She went into labor on September 30, far too soon for us to have our home study finished.
  5. The first week of October, we found out that an expectant mother had marked us as her second choice. She decided to go with her first choice couple.
  6. On October 5, we had some of our final home study interviews.
  7. Our home study home visit (the last part) was done on October 17.
  8. Soon afterward, we received a call about an expectant mother who wanted to meet with us. We had a match meeting on October 18. It went well. We were impressed by her attitude and beliefs.
  9. On October 19, we confirmed that the match is really real!
  10. On January 10, we arrived in Missouri to meet S and her family.
  11. On January 12, we met with our attorney in Missouri.
  12. On January 16, we arrived at the hospital at 5am so that S's labor could be induced. At 1:02am on January 17, Jack was born.
  13. On January 19, S signed the paperwork terminating her parental rights. Jack's birthfather also signed paperwork terminating his rights.
  14. On January 20, we arrived at the courtroom at 8:30am, and about an hour later, we were given custody of Jackson. At this time his last name was changed to Chittister.
  15. We left Missouri on January 28, happy to be home.
  16. We returned to Missouri to finalize the adoption on August 25.
Are you planning on adopting more than one child?
We will likely adopt another in a few years, as we do want at least one boy and one girl.

How is Sassy adjusting to the baby?
Update: Sassy runs away from Jack. Jack can now say "freak out Sassy" because Jack freaks Sassy out. Jack does not like Jinxy, as she may have scratched him. Seeing as how he probably tried to pick her up or pull her tail, we do not blame Jinxy.
Update: Sassy will allow Jack to come near her if he's in the proper cat worship phase. Otherwise, she runs away from him, often just before he can reach her, thus making Jack crawl back across the room to get her again. She thinks it's good exercise for Jack.
Sassy is intrigued by Jack. She has sniffed him. If Robyn is sitting somewhere with Jack, especially during formula time, she sits on the arm of the couch or chair. If Robyn is sitting in front of the computer, holding Jack in one hand and typing with the other, Sassy climbs on her lap. Sassy sleeps on Robyn's head every night. She has not made any overtures toward Jack at all.
Update: Jack has now noticed Sassy and is fascinated by her tail, for which he reaches whenever he sees her. Sassy will not come near Jack when he is alone, and will only come close to him with Robyn if he is motionless.

What race will the baby be?
Jack is African-American/Caucasian. Max has bi-racial (AA/CC) cousins, and Robyn never much cared about what color her friends were. Parenting a child of another race does come with some unique challenges. However, the information we need does exist, and we are reading and talking about potential issues. In the end, we feel that color, race, ethnicity, etc. does not define who a person is. These pieces help to make a person proud, and should not be used as a reason to hate or love another. What's important is our child's soul, and we think we can foster that, no matter what he looks like on the outside.

Is it too much to ask that Jack be a southpaw, or at least a switch-hitter? And how old does he have to be before Dad teaches him a split fingered fastball?
Says Max: I'm a great believer in not teaching kids to throw anything other than a fastball until at least high school. Too much risk of screwing up his arm. Plus, you have to have very big, strong hands to properly throw a splitter.
I'm also not a big fan of the switch-hitter; too many guys are so lousy from one side or the other that
they'd be better off staying on their better side and working harder on hitting lefties/righties better. I'll be very very happy if he bats lefty, though.

Are you going to have the baby cirumcised?
No, Jack is not circumcised, nor do we plan for him to be.

How was the stay in Missouri?
Expensive. We loved having the opportunity to spend lots of time with Jack's birth family. But we missed being home so much! We stayed at the Residence Inn in Country Club Plaza, and we'd stay there again. They were accomodating and interested in the baby. The walls are also very thick.

What did you take? What did you wish you had taken? What didn't you need?
Briefly, we took a lot of blankets, some clothes, our baby reference book, and other basics. We bought formula, bottles, diapers, and a new car seat there. I wish we had taken more clothes for everyone. We didn't really need the baby grooming set or any cottonballs.
If you are really interested, here's a complete list.

Is there anything that you know now that you wished you'd known then?
SO MUCH! I could create a whole other page for this, but here's the basic list:
What are some things that you wish people could know about adoption?
  1. Not all parents who adopt are infertile. Not all women want to be pregnant. And that's OK.
  2. Adopting a child of a different race makes no difference in the amount that we love him, or that he loves us.
  3. NO the birthparents CANNOT come and take him back!
More answers from the Adoption Forums.

Are there any agencies or adoption professionals you can recommend?
Not really. Robyn has compiled a list of recommendations that she has culled from the forums at adoption.com and her online support groups. We call it the list of "Agencies that probably don't suck" and it includes attornies and facilitators as well. Because we haven't had personal experiences with these agencies, we cannot recommend them without many caveats. Those caveats would be: RESEARCH RESEARCH RESEARCH. Get actual references! You can never be too thorough when choosing the people who will connect you with your child.

We've matched with an expectant mom. Are there any tips you can give us about the time in the hospital?
Yes! No adoption book or web site will tell you how to handle the time in the hospital. If you are matched before birth and have the option of being at the hospital for some portion of the labor and delivery, there are many issues that you should discuss with the expectant mom. You should also talk to the social worker at the hospital and learn their policies on adoptive parents. Robyn has written a list of questions to talk about.

Can you explain the adoption tax credit?
No. But here is a page with information written by someone who can. Robyn found this on the Adoption forum at MotheringDotCommune. Another link that might help is the North American Council on Adoptable Children Adoption Subsidy Information.

More Questions?
Email robyn@alumni.carnegiemellon.edu
Home