What Happens at the Hospital
This page includes questions that we should have asked and had
answered. The hospital treated Jack's birthmom terribly, and he didn't
get
much better treatment. S ended up having a C-section (because her labor
was managed so poorly) and Jack was in the NICU with no one to be with
him until S rebounded from the surgery and saw him later in the morning
(he was born around 1am; I think he was brought to her around 7 or 8).
We were not allowed to go into the NICU until 9pm the following night,
and S was in her room all that time, so Jack was all alone for so long.
This part is important to me. No adoption book or web site ever
tells you about the hospital. It's all about meeting the birthmom, then
the baby's born and comes home with you. Nothing about what role you
play, if any, in the labor and delivery or the hospital stay. While
it's natural to not want to ask these types of detailed questions,
talking them out honestly should help your relationship with the
birthmother.
There is an organization called BirthMom Buds. They have a great
support network for expectant moms and birthmoms, plus a great brochure
about how the
hospitals should treat birth & adoptive moms.
http://www.birthmombuds.com/
If you can, bring someone to the hospital who is there to support YOU.
Understandably, everyone will be concerned about the birthmom - her
health, her feelings. But adoptive parents have feelings too, and we
have a right to them.
If the expectant mom isn't sure which role she wants you to play, I
still recommend discussing different scenarios, and getting at least
tentative answers to these questions:
- Who holds
the baby right after he/she is born?
- Who cuts the umbilical cord?
- Does
the expectant mom want the baby to room in or stay in the nursery?
- What happens if she has to have a C-section?
- Would you be allowed into the nursery to see the baby? (She needs
to
give you permission.)
- If there are complications and the baby is in
the NICU will you be able to get into the NICU? (Again, she needs to
give you permission, but the hospital policy plays a big role here too.)
- Will she give you permission to be "in the loop" about the baby's
condition? (Because of privacy regulations, only designated family
members are allowed to get health information about the patient and the
baby.)
- Do you want the baby to be circumcised?
- Do you want the baby to get the Vitamin K shot and/or the
Hepatitis B
vaccine? (We didn't want the vax,
which was fine with her. The hospital
had her sign a bazillion forms, one of which asked if he should or
should not have the vax, she checked off should not. If we hadn't
talked about that, she may have checked should.)
Call the social worker at the hospital.
Explain who you are. Ask the social worker what policies, if any, the
hospital has
regarding open adoptions.
Ask the following questions:
- Is it possible for you to
have your own room near the expectant mom so you can stay at the
hospital?
- What happens if she has to have a C-section?
- Who gets
to go into the nursery?
- If there are complications and the baby is in
the NICU who can go into the NICU?
If anyone reading this has comments or additions, please e-mail Robyn.